Do you ever struggle with walking with the shadows of yesterday? Something happens that brings back to your memory something from your past; a past hurt you thought was long forgotten. That time when you were a child and were the last picked on a team, or the only one not invited to a birthday party. Or perhaps you are talking with someone and you know they really aren’t listening to you because their attention is elsewhere.
When I was a child I was very overweight. Because of that I suffered from self esteem issues. The hardest years were in grades 7 and 8. My parents moved us to a new town and my brother and I started a new school. The memories I have there are some of the most painful in my life. It took me years to get over the pain of being ostracized and rejected. To this day I remember their faces, their names. Yet, God has healed those memories and they no longer hurt. I have forgiven those who wounded me with their words and actions. But because of those years, I struggled with an eating disorder in my teens and twenties. Desperate to fit in, to be thin enough, good enough. That too God set me free from.
However, recently certain things have happened where I am reminded of events in the past. Take shopping for clothes for instance. While my weight has remained the same, sizing here is different. Having to go up two whole sizes is discouraging even though it is just a number and I am not a number. That is not what or who I am to Him. I am a daughter of the king…the most high God!
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up you are still with me!
Recently I went through a horrible time with my daughter. Horrible is putting it mildly. It was hell on earth. I felt hopeless and overwhelmed. I could feel myself sinking into depression. I felt like a failure; like I was drowning. I was at a loss as to what to do and my stress level was at an all time high. Literally I just wanted to pack it all in. I tried reaching out to someone who had apparently been there, but was brushed off. I was told she was too busy and did not have the time to talk. Call someone else. Really? Really. I didn’t call anyone else for fear of putting my heart on the line only to be rejected.
Rejection. Reminded of the past. But this one truth I know. People will fail us, they will hurt us, disappoint us and let us down. But God is faithful. he will never let us down.
Your faithfulness extends to every generation as enduring as the earth you created.
Heb. 13:5b I will never fail you or abandon you.
But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Isreal, the one who formed you says , “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you go through walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy one of Isreal, your saviour.
2 Corinthians 4:9
We are hunted down but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
And Elisa? Things are improving. I have to remember that I was her age too once. I remember what it was like to move to a new town, new school. She has had to do that but also a new country where EVERYTHING is new. All the while her body is changing and emotions are coming into play. Unfortunately I have getting the brunt of it. “Hormotional” is a new word I recently learned and it fittingly describes the situation. God is giving me grace. Some days are worse than others but she will be ok. We will be ok. As long as we continue in his word, and seeking his presence, he will see us through and we will come out of it alive and stronger than ever before.